Life Lessons with Laxus
by LaxusPlayer
Summary: Macao bribes Laxus into giving Romeo and Wendy 'the talk'. It seemed like the smart thing for Macao to do to avoid mentally scarring his son personally, but when Erza gets roped in things don't go exactly how he planned...


Life Lessons with Laxus

_A/N: So winterorion recommended I do another Sex Ed talk, except this time its Laxus, Wendy and Romeo with a bit of Erza and Macao thrown in for fun. I've been writing these fics for so long over the past few days that I'm pretty sure I will integrate into the Matrix soon. Hope you're happy. Anyways italics are for thoughts and expect awkward as hell moments. As always, enjoy..._

"You've gotten better Laxus!" Gildarts panted, smiling.

"You're not doing so badly yourself old timer!" Laxus replied, sweating heavily.

The two strongest wizards in Fairy Tail had decided that the time had come for them to face off and prove which one was the strongest, and so they had been fighting for the past five minutes. They were pretty evenly matched strength wise, but Gildarts was gaining the upper hand due to his experience in the field. The rest of the guild watched intently through binoculars about two miles away from then. Even then they could still feel the blows that were traded.

"Ready to finish this?" Laxus quipped, tensing his muscles.

"Yeah, the funeral director has just arrived with your coffin." Gildarts replied.

To make it a fair contest of strength, they had silently agreed to use the same spell, and so both of them poured their energy into Fairy Law.

"This is it..." Makarov said, watching the fight with bated breath, "This will decide it."

As the two mages finished their spell, suddenly Mira ran down screaming "STOP STOP STOP! ROMEO AND WENDY ARE MISSING!"

Laxus turned to look at her, giving Gildarts the opening he needed to take out his opponent. Throwing his head back, Gildarts laughed. "You forgot Laxus; preparation for a battle and ruse are just as important as strength."

Laxus was lying twitching on the floor. "Mira...the fuck?!"

"Laxus I'm so sorry I didn't have anything to do with this I swear so forgive me and..."

Rushing over, she realised that the dragon slayer was in too much pain to hear her. Turning back to Gildarts, she saw him pucker his lips and whistle. The two 'lost' children then came running out of the Guild Hall and straight towards him, where he gave them both a bro fist and some chocolate.

"But I don't get it." Lucy asked Makarov, very confused, "I thought you could only use Fairy Law against people who you truly considered your enemy?"

"Very perceptive," Makarov commented, "But they thought this fight through. Beforehand Laxus told Gildarts that he'd been sleeping with Cana."

Lucy looked at Laxus' crumpled body and flinched. "Ahhh. Remind me never to get on his bad side. But wait, what did Gildarts say to Laxus?"

The old man laughed. "There was no need for him to say anything. Laxus is a dick."

"But at the fighting festival he couldn't...oh forget it."

Natsu laughed heartily and ruffled her hair. "With these guys its best not to question them. Anyways I'm off to learn more about sex. This nice lady on the street corner said she could teach me everything I wanted to know for only 500 jewel!"

He began walking off, and it took Lucy a moment to process what he had just said. "NATSU THAT'S A HOOKER!"

She ran off after her naïve friend to stop him. This was purely to take care of her friend of course and had nothing to do with the fact that she kind of liked the fire eater. By that time Romeo, Wendy and Gildarts had made their way back to the group. The two kids looked innocently at their briber.

"What's a hooker?"

The older man blushed and gave them a sheepish look. "I'm not an expert in that field, although your dad is a regular playboy."

The kids looked at Macao. "What's a playboy?"

It was Macao's turn to look sheepish. "Erm...well you see..."

Makarov grinned. "See Macao, its all shits and giggles when it happens to me, but when it happens to you its not so amusing!"

"Guys we need to get him to a hospital! I think he has internal bleeding!" Mira shouted, but they all just waved her warning away. There was no way in hell they were missing this conversation.

"A playboy is...well its someone who likes to spend lots of time with women."

The kids still looked confused. "What does he do with them?" Romeo asked, and Makao's darkest fears were realised. Today was the day he was going to have to give his son 'the talk'.

"GUYS HE'S STOPPED BREATHING!" Mira screeched, putting her ear on Laxus' chest.

"Yeah yeah whatever." Makarov said, once again waving her comments away. "So go on Macao, what do playboys do with girls?"

The fourth guild master began sweating. "Maybe we can talk about this another time..."

"No no Macao, the kids want to know now." Gildarts said, grinning at the man.

"Erm...oh look Mira needs some help bye!" He sprinted off to help lift the barely conscious blonde. Not that he cared about him of course, just anything was better than that.

As they carried Laxus into the medical wing, the S-Class mage managed to spit out "You guys are dicks!" before falling unconscious.

-Half an hour later-

Laxus woke to find a very attractive nurse standing over him. "Hey, I'm pretty sure I damaged my groin pretty badly, so you might want to go ahead and check down ther-...oh god Erza?"

The red haired sorcerer looked down at him. "Glad to see you're finally awake. I bandaged your cuts and stopped the internal bleeding."

Painfully Laxus lifted his head up and looked down at the rest of his body. "You've bandaged me to the fucking bed you idiot!"

Erza ignored him. "Now its time for your injection." She moved onto the bed and started straddling him. "Be still or this will hurt."

Right then Mira walked into the room. Looking at the couple in a highly compromising position, she averted her gaze. "Would either of you happen to know where Macao is? He disappeared after helping me carry Laxus here."

"He's hiding behind the bed at the end there." Erza replied, pointing to the trembling blue mess in the corner of the room.

Mira nodded gratefully, then stepped to the side to let Wendy and Romeo walk into the room. Macao let out a cry of despair.

"By the way Erza," Mira asked, still not looking their way, "Why are you giving him an injection like that? Can't you just put it in his arm?"

"No no definitely not." Laxus spoke up. "This is the most effective method to do it. In fact, if you move about a bit while you're here it'll help spread the anaesthetic round the body faster or some shit."

Erza looked down at him with a serious expression. "I didn't know that. Thanks for the advice." she said, then started grinding into him. Mira rushed over and pulled her off, much to Laxus' disappointment, before things got a bit too hardcore.

"God Mira, first you screw me over in the fight and now this? The hell did I do to piss you off?!"

Not wanting to explain that she secretly wished she was the one on top of him, Mira ran out of the room blushing. Erza looked at him confused and he just shrugged. "I have no idea."

Meanwhile in the corner of hell, Macao was being interrogated by the kids.

"What's a condom?"

"What are those things hanging off Erza's chest?"

"Dad, how do you have an orgasm?"

Macao ran screaming towards the door, but Erza grabbed hold of him. "No you don't. As a father it is your duty to teach your kids the ways of the world." She threw him onto the bed beside Laxus and folded her arms. Knowing he couldn't escape, he asked Laxus for support in a last ditch effort to avoid this.

"Please man, I'll do anything!"

Usually Laxus would have flipped him off and watched him suffer, but considering that a) he needed something doing and b) he couldn't move anything below his neck, he took the bait.

"You have to take Freed to the vets. I'm pretty sure he has a tick in his hair."

"Done done done!" Macao cried, backing away as the kids moved towards his bed.

"And Ever needs someone to go shopping with her tomorrow."

"Sure man sure! Anything you say!"

"Oh and Bickslow needs someone to help him clean and paint his dolls."

"AGREED NOW GET THEM AWAY FROM ME!" Macao screeched as the two reached the end of his bed. Laxus smirked, glad he would now be free for the next couple of days.

"Ok you two get your asses over here."

The kids turned and walked over to his bed. Macao breathed a sigh of relief, but then squealed as Erza hoisted him up and dragged him over there too.

"Mr Laxus," Wendy asked, "Will you tell us about sex?"

"No I called you over to show you how to shoot lasers out of your eyes." he said sarcastically, then sighed as he realised that they were too young to get that joke. Natsu was just too stupid, but luckily he was off being bludgeoned by Lucy.

"Sex is when two people come together and link their bodies to become one." he explained, "It can happen between two guys or two girls, but usually it happens between a man and a woman so I'm going to explain how that works to you. Macao, Erza! Help me out here!"

Erza glared at him. "There's no way in hell I'm having sex with him."

"Maybe we should you know..." Macao said, drooling as he looked at the woman beside him in her sexy nurses outfit.

"I don't mean have sex you idiots!" Laxus yelled, disappointing Macao greatly. "I just need you both to strip down so you can show them your bodies."

Erza folded her arms and shook her head. "Of course, I could just ask Mira if you're not up for the challenge Erza..."

Never being one to back away from a challenge, she immediately requipped into some highly revealing underwear. Makao's nose exploded at this point, sending blood flying everywhere.

"Now look at Erza." Laxus commanded, "Those round, huge, soft, bouncy...ow!"

Erza threw a nearby clipboard off his head and glared at him.

"They are breasts, also known as boobs, tits, bzoingas, pillows or mountains of heaven."

The two stared in awe at her breasts, and Erza opened her arms and posed proudly.

"I like them." Romeo said, then reached out and poked her left one.

"Yeah me too." Macao said, but was pounded on the head by Erza before he could touch her.

"In between her legs is her vagina, also known as a penny slot, a..." He stopped as Erza glared at him. "That's where the man puts his penis when they have sex."

"Can we do a demonstration, because I'm totally cool with doing a demonstration!" Macao drooled, earning him a sharp kick in the side from the angry woman.

"Laxus are you done yet?" she said through gritted teeth.

"Nah I think there's more we could cover." he replied, scanning her body happily with his eyes. "Nice ass by the way."

Growling, the almost naked woman requipped back into her nurses outfit and folded her arms across her chest. Macao let out a groan of disappointment at this, then smiled as he realised that from the floor he could get a good view at her panties. Before he could even move, however, Erza grabbed hold of his head and hoisted him into the air.

"I think its time to show them a man's body."

She ripped off all of his clothes as he squealed and begged for forgiveness. Romeo hid his face, ashamed of his dad's pathetic please for mercy. Once she was finished, she stood him up in front of the two children.

"I'd thank you Erza but honestly I didn't want to see that sight." Laxus muttered.

"Its fine," she said back with a disgusted look on her face, "I don't think anyone would want to see this horror show."

Clearing his throat, Laxus continued his lecture. "Guys don't usually have breasts. Some of the larger men do, and these are called man boobs. If you ever see any, point and laugh. In fact, practise on this wimp."

The kids pointed and laughed at Romeo's father, who now was dying of embarrassment. "_Maybe it would have been better to just tell them back outside..._"

"What men do have," Laxus said, "Are penises and testicals. Most people call them dicks though."

Wendy looked back at him. "But most people say that you're a dick?" Erza grumbled in agreement.

Laxus grinned. "That's because they know I have a big one." Again, Erza grumbled in agreement. She had to admit that changing his clothes and applying his bandages wasn't a completely terrible experience. "Now since we don't have a man handy who has proper control of his legs, we'll use your father as an example. Erza, do you mind?"

"I do, but its for their benefit so I'll comply." Taking Macao's arms, she wrenched them away from his crotch, exposing the screaming man's entire body to the children.

"Tch." Erza said after examining is body. "I hope you haven't inherited all your father's traits Romeo or your girlfriend is in for a huge disappointment."

The young boy stared at his father in disgust, then turned away retching. Wendy just looked horrified. "You mean...that thing goes...b-b-but its so limp and ugly!"

"Good point Wendy, it is limp. The term for that is flaccid, and no you can't have sex while its in that state. It has to be erect. Erza, wanna help me out again?"

The red head almost hit the crippled mage, but she saw a slight look of horrified curiosity in Wendy's eyes and sighed. Walking over to the next bed, she lay down and lifted one leg up. Seductively, she looked at Macao and said "Want me to take care of you?"

Macao went up like a shot. "_Wow...well I'm saving this one for the wank bank!_"

Laxus tried not to look at it. "There, that's an erect penis. Or at least its supposed to be. At this point I still think it looks like a cocktail sausage."

Wendy nodded. She wanted to look away, but she couldn't look away. "This is so wrong!" Macao groaned, causing Romeo to vomit in agreement.

"I'll make this quick because I think I'm going to be sick too." Laxus said turning a shade greener, "That gets stuck in the vagina. Condoms are put over it to protect the guy and girl from getting sexually transmitted diseases and it stops them from accidentally having brats."

"Wait, so *blurgh!*...so you can have kids by having sex?" Romeo questioned.

Laxus looked at him. "Romeo, the fuck did I just say?" The boy murmured an apology and returned to throwing up.

"Ok stick some pants on before you give them nightmares." ordered Laxus, and Macao scrambled to put them on. "There, that's all you're getting out of me. Now piss off and leave me and my broken kidneys in peace."

Romeo ran out of the room screaming. It was going to take years of therapy to fix that mental scarring. Wendy, who was slightly less disturbed, went over and hugged Laxus.

"Thank you for the lesson Mr Laxus." he grunted in response and she moved over to Erza. "Thank you for helping Miss Erza."

"That's ok Wendy." Erza said smiling and hugging her back. Wendy then went over to Macao to hug him, but with the image of his tiny penis burned into her mind she instead just waved and then ran out crying to the guild hall.

"Your welcome dickhead." snorted Laxus, and the ashamed Macao slunk out of the room. Upon exiting it, he was welcomed by an angry mob of people.

"What the hell are you doing showing Wendy and Romeo your dick?! God damned sicko!"

Despite his best efforts to briefly explain the situation, the older man was carried off and beaten within an inch of his life. "_Serves me right for asking Laxus for help..._"

Back in the hospital Laxus groaned and looked at Erza. "Damn I think the anaesthetic is wearing off. I think you'll have to give me that injection."

Erza nodded, grabbed the needle and mounted him again. As she started grinding into him, Laxus realised that he may well be the smartest man alive.

"Felling better?" she cooed, finally stopping after five minutes of it. If his body wasn't broken, Laxus would have been living the dream, but as it was he was still in far too much pain to fully appreciate his luck.

"Fan-fucking-tastic." he said, rolling his eyes.

As she dismounted, she noticed that Laxus was, as they say, pitching a tent. Realising that she had been tricked, she roared then jumped back on the bed again. Sitting on his face to muffle his laughter, she screamed "THIS IS COMING OFF RIGHT NOW!"

As she gripped it with one hand and prepared to pull, Mira walked back in the room carrying chocolates. "Laxus I'm sorry if I... WHAT THE HELL?"

Freezing, Erza and Laxus looked at the now enraged model. "This isn't...its not what it looks like!"

As she transformed into her demon mode, Laxus grinned at the now shaking Erza.

"I guess we'll be spending a lot of time together in here." he chuckled, then lay back and drifted off to sleep as the anaesthetic started working while Mira proceeded to beat the living crap out of Erza. "_Good times..._"

_A/N: I hope this lived up to your expectations. Since people keep wanting me to write more Laxus and Mira stuff I think that in one of the next fics I do I'll have her finally admitting her feelings for him, albeit in some less than romantic setting and situation. Still its up to you people and that's just an idea so tell me what you think. Read, review and request._


End file.
